Who Writes This Crap

Pun intended.

‘We all go. Why not enjoy the go?’

Hey Charmin, what were you guys thinking?

I am in the business. I am fully aware of the countless taglines submitted, the late nights getting silly around a conference table laden with candy, the absurd options that come out of these sessions and the painful layers of approvals.

I cannot help but think this one was a joke that somehow slipped into the pile and someone who was running out to catch a plane or go to a kid’s soccer game signed off on it without thinking.

Because, you know, even those of us who ‘enjoy the go’ – and believe me, I am one of them – know that this is just too absurd to be real. If you must know, bathroom humor and discussion of toileting has always been a favorite topic in my family. The joke is that it only takes about 15 minutes when we are all together before the discussion turns to… going. So if anyone would be the market for this, it would be us. But it sort of falls flat for me.

Now don’t get me going on the ‘Ultra Suave’ subhead to Ultra Soft. (picturing a guy with an ascot sitting on the bowl practicing smooth pick up lines) *There is nothing like humor when you are your own target… it was just pointed out to me that Ultra Suave is the Spanish translation for Ultra Soft… damn, apparently I would have done poorly on that trip to Spain. Imagine the trouble I could have gotten myself into there.

I will give this brand credit for their ‘sitorsquat’ public restroom app. Although, if I am not mistaken, they stole this idea from George Castanza.

FYI, I am a loyal user of Charmin despite their silly taglines and even though I know it is bad for the environment. There are some places I will not sacrifice, and let’s face it, butt suave is where it’s at.

Lady Anti-Monkey Butt

I saw this the other day in the oddest of places… the hardware store. I am still unclear why it was on the shelf next to the Duck Tape (not to be confused with the Duct Tape).

Perhaps this was the animal shelf.

I had a vague memory of this stuff and went back into my archives to find that I had written about the male version back in October 09. Yes, I have been writing that long… much longer actually; about stuff like anti-friction powder, so yes, you could say I have an impressive body of work.

I simply love the hot pink butt on this monkey. The pink bow, the thumbs up, the crazy grin of anti-friction relief, the pearl earrings for G-d’s sake… she is just fabulous.

I think I was drawn to her human stance because I just finished a 582 page book about a talking chimp. I have this odd feeling that all the animals around me can really talk but they are clamming up because they don’t want to make a scene.

No, I don’t think I have snapped.

Back to the powder. Anti-friction? Is it me, or do I just not feel that there is so much butt friction in my daily life that I need something to counter it. Perhaps it is this – my son always complains about a condition he calls swamp ass. So the first thing I thought of when I saw this was how great it would be for lady swamp ass. You know, like the Virginia Slims of ass relief. And then I read that post from a few years ago and I had the same thought (sans the Virginia Slims).

So now I am snapping AND losing my memory.

Who cares. The thing that counts is that I am blogging again. And after a long period of being serious, I feel compelled to be absurd again. That can’t be bad (not as bad as butt friction, anyway).

So, for those of you who missed me and were starting to complain…

You asked for it!

Cat Butt Gum

Is it really necessary for me to write about this? Was the snapping of the shot not enough commentary?

I will leave but one comment here:

Is anyone else disturbed by the level of detail in the rendering of the feline anus on this package?

Yeh, I thought so.

 

 

Floss over Fifty

Floss for people over 50?! Really?! Please tell me who thought this was a good idea. Marketing a product that specifically targets an age group sitting snugly on the tail end of the baby boomers. You know us. We hardly see ourselves as grow ups, let alone ones with aging gums. What is the likelihood that you will find us buying old people’s floss? Pro health “for life”. You know, because dead people don’t floss all that much.

If my Facebook page is any kind of focus group, I am thinking this one is not going to be a big seller. Here are some comments after I posted this picture and mentioned I would be writing a blog post about it:

I won’t be able to read the blog. I will be experiencing dental conditions because I don’t have this floss.

This floss is for dentures!

As opposed to floss for death? Who flosses in heaven? Doesn’t heaven mean no cavities?

is the font bigger so we can read the label without our glasses?

And an all-time fave:

Maybe it’s dipped in laxatives, vitamins and anti depressants.

Followed by

They should just dip it in wine!

Still surprised that Dr. Jimmy has not weighed in.

Is it bad to admit that I saw this while picking up my blood pressure meds?

Babushka Lip Gloss and The Impulse Buy

I found these at the counter at Bed Bath and Beyond. They were sitting at the checkout in the coveted impulse buy spot by the cash register. This is the spot where they put those items that you just can’t resist. Or… this item.

I am convinced that the buyer saw these and told their assistant, “oh, these are kind of kitch, order 10″, meaning pieces and the assistant accidentally ordered 10 cases. That is when the impulse buy spot becomes the we are desperate to move these babies spot.

When I was in HS I worked at a drug store chain and this exact thing happened with a crazy product called Top Coverage. Check it out.

Yes, kiddies, this product claims to be the hair loss concealer that ‘erases bald spots’. Top Coverage is easy to use: just spray on the thinning area, bald spot will disappear instantly. You can choose black, brown, light brown or gray to match your hair color.

Or not.

In actuality it is spray paint for your bald spot. I think it probably worked better for the comb over guys.

After many laughs at the 6 cases vs. 6 pieces fiasco we used this stuff to spray paint doors, make signs, you name it.

Oh the wonderful world of retail!

Horny Goat Weed

Please discuss!

Hot Flash Cool Down Necklace

Ok this one is a first. Yesterday I received an email hawking a necklace that claims to cool down your hot flashes. I love the site that was giving it away so this is by no means a dis to them or their promotion. In fact, this item must be doing really well because they have sold over 5,000 of them and have been featured on all sorts of mainstream media. But for blog humor purposes –  and what else really matters – I could not resist.

If you have ever had a hot flash, or slept next to one,  it sort of sounds like a good idea. What a lovely Mother’s Day gift. “Here honey, I bought you some jewelry”. She gets all, ‘oh what a sweet guy, I love you so much’ on you until she opens the box and sees you have purchased a hot flash necklace with the condescending name of – get this, ‘Hot Girls Pearls‘.

Ummmm, not the kind of hot girl this crazy meno-mama wants to be called. Just a tip guys, when she opens the box, you might want to duck out of the way when she throws these at you. They look like they might hurt on impact. I am thinking a good solid black eye could occur if her aim is good.

Please, no disrespect to the inventor of these babies. They could be very effective and lord knows we are looking for a way to cool down. But seriously, who really wants to wear a necklace modeled after the one that Wilma Flintstone wore.

Just saying.

Pugz?

Yes Pugz… Uggs for dogs. And yes they come in sizes.

Thank goodness they are made of faux leather and faux wool. It would be so wrong for a pet to be wearing another animal.

You know, because it isn’t wrong to put little Uggs on your friggin dog. Jeez. This is just going to far. Look at the dog in this picture. It actually looks humiliated.

Although these would go nicely with the biker dude jacket on the dog in Home Depot. Or the Ed Hardy hoodie (say that 3 times fast) that I saw on a Yorkie in Delray. Only sorry I couldn’t snap that picture fast enough.

I clicked over to their site and found these high tops as well. Not going to lie, I do find them kind of cool. Oh right, if people were not putting them on their DOGS! Dr. Jimmy, this would make sense for your dogs… if they weren’t over 100 lbs.!

I love that each unit comes with 4 shoes. So if you are considering this for your 3 legged pooch you will find yourself with an extra. Maybe you can bronze it. (do people still do that with baby shoes?)

Is it because I have a big dog that I have such an aversion to pets in clothing? Or is it because pets in clothing is just friggin’ ridiculous.

Either way, this one wins an MFTA award for sure.

Kosher Dog Biscuits?

The first thing I will say about this shot is, only on the North Shore of Long Island.

This, my friends, is the bakery case at a local pet store. Yes, a bakery case. And these would be dog biscuits sporting messages in yiddish and hebrew. Both are fairly common slang that even those not of the tribe would probably recognize, but just in case, these are the definitions.

Oy vey! Sort of like OMG for Jews. In a sentence, “Oy vey, these people are selling dog biscuits with yiddish sayings on them”.

Shalom: Hello. Goodbye. Peace. Jews like to conserve and recycle. Contextual clues usually give this one away. Yet when someone says, “Shalom, my friend’, you might have no idea what he really means.

I must not forget to point out the half off sale price. Because, you know, we Jews love a good bargain.

No, I did not buy these for the puppy and yes, people did watch me take the picture. I am guessing it might have discouraged sales that day.

 

Easy Feet

No more bending to clean your feet? That just about says it all. These suckers suction cup to the shower flo0r and scrub-a-dub-dub your little piggies without that huge hassle of bending over to wash them. Because, you know, bending over in the shower can be dangerous. In some contexts. Or perhaps if you are morbidly obese.

So, the question is, are those two populations big enough to sell this item to or is that the reason I found this on the sale table?

Have to admit I am a little temped by the over 1,000 bristles…