Fashionotsa

That would not be fashion nazi. I am a fashioNOTsa.

Or why I suck at shopping.

I know, I am a Jewish girl from Long Island and therefore it is expected that I love to shop. But I don’t. I hate it AND I suck at it. Perhaps I should explore my true lineage.

But sometimes you just need stuff. So after a lovely meeting this morning and a surprise lunch with Gary (because I was on the 59th Street bridge and had to pee so badly I had to stop at his office), seeing that I had no deadlines tomorrow, I ventured out into the consumer jungle.

Did I mention I hate this worse than going to the dentist? At least there I can get sweet air. These are the 5 reasons why:

1. The woman in the next dressing room at Lord & Taylor spent a solid 15 minutes on the phone with one of her son’s teachers and for the life of me I could not imagine how she kept trying on clothes without ever shutting up. All I can surmise was that her son is screwed from her micromanagement and someone should tell her that talking on the phone and trying on clothing does not constitute multi-tasking.
2. I need to see the dermatologist as soon as humanly possible because the lighting in every dressing room made me see that I must have no less than 5 horrible derm conditions. Fluorescent lighting and dressing rooms: who is responsible?
3. There are no circumstances in which a 3 way mirror is OK.
4. Clothes on. Clothes off. Repeat. How can this be fun? Well, I know how but this is the wrong context.
5. I always have to pee and the bathrooms are always in a different zip code than the women’s clothing. Why is that?

The only funny part of today was the cashier at Century 21. She had a very heavy accent and as she checked me out this was our conversation:

She: Your zin cone?

Me: (no idea what that means) Um, no thanks (afraid to agree to anything in fear it might be hard to undo).

She: No, no, no… your zin cone?!

Me: Sorry, not getting what that is.

She: Zin cone. Zin cone. Zin cone! (as if saying it 3 times will make me understand)

Me: (starting to get the giggles and wishing I had a witness) I am so sorry but I have NO idea what you are saying. Maybe you want to write it down.

She: Zin cone. You know… town. 1-1-something-something-something (she loves to repeat herself).

Me: OH! YOU MEAN ZIP CODE.

At this point I simply looked around for the camera and then split.

Dangerous Do Not Eat

Today I went shopping. I hate shopping. No seriously, I loathe the act of shopping. I am simply missing the gene that makes this activity fun. It is not that I don’t like to have new things, I just really don’t like looking for them. Trying them on… I like that even less.

Let’s face it, the 3-way mirror is simply not our friend. It is bad enough to see the parts of you that are in full view, but to check yourself out under florescent lights from every angle… yikes.

As I was browsing through the racks, I came across this item. Stapled to the inside of a garment was one of those little packs of Silicagel with the words ‘DANGEROUS DO NOT EAT’ printed on it.

Funny, but of all the things I have thought to do with that silly little pack of silicagel, tearing it open and pouring it into my mouth just wasn’t one of them.

Anyone? Have any of you found yourself craving a little snack while shopping and going for one of these little packets?

Hey, I hear it tastes just like chicken.

Monkey Feet

Can you pick up a beer bottle with your toes? No? Well then you do not have monkey feet.

My son, on the other hand, was able to pick up that bottle with his lengthy digits with great ease. (no, he could not bring the bottle to his lips, that would make him double jointed).

Please do not underestimate this great talent. At the very least I am sure he is eligible for Letterman’s Stupid Human Tricks. Like all idiotic parents of our generation, we like to encourage what makes our children unique. You know, ‘we all have talents…blah, blah, blah’. I am surprised he was not trophied for this as a young boy.

It is amazing how long those toes are. His big toe actually looks like my thumb! It is uncanny.

Moral of the story: never dare an 18-year-old to do anything; chances are he will find a way to do it.

Do you lose your boobs?

True story:

A daughter is still new to the menstruation game. She is young and can really do without it. Honestly, she does not see the point. Her mom tries to shed some light on the subject.

Mom: Honey, as a girl matures, things happen to her body. She gets her period, she starts to grow breasts, and her body changes. Right before your period every month you can tend to be a little moody.

Daughter: I know, but why?

Mom: Well, this is all the beginning of changing a girl’s body into a woman’s body. And then as a woman gets older, like mommy, she goes through something called menopause. Her body changes again and she stops getting her period. And again she can tend to be a little moody.

Daughter: Oh no mom! Does that mean you are going to lose your boobs?!

Mom: (Laughing) Um, no not exactly. But they sure don’t look like they used to.

Booty Pop – When baby don’t have back

Yes folks, now you too can have that perfect booty. With Booty Pop. What are these, you ask? Well, they are the panties that make your booty pop.

And we want our booty pop because…

Oh right, I am not the demographic.

As they say on the website “Lose that boring backside. Get a Booty-licious booty in an instant?” Oh dear lord. Then what happens when he falls for your big ole backside and you slide those suckers off and he finds the only thing in your panties is that boring backside. So, these are actually butt falsies? What next?

These were found in the Bed Bath & Beyond sale rack. Thinking maybe the BBB shopper out looking for some cookware or maybe a bathroom hutch is not in the market for Booty Pop panties. But hey, you never know.

Makes a nice impulse buy item.

Naked Cowboy is suing again!

A while back I posted about the ever-famous Naked Cowboy and his quest to protect his brand. This man, who most of us New Yorkers regarded as simply another Times Square nut adding peripheral color to our otherwise drab days, turned out to be quite the savvy businessman.

When Mars used his likeness to promote M&Ms on a billboard he went out and hired himself a lawyer. Much to my surprise, and surely the shock of a giant like Mars and their not so savvy creative team, the (not so) little (naked) guy won the suit to the tune of 4 million bucks!

Now it seems our beloved undressed cowboy has gone one step further in protecting his intellectual (and I use that term loosely) property and has begun to sell franchises. For a guy who serenades without clothing in all sorts of weather in the middle of Times Square he has surely become wise to the ways of protecting his brand.

During a press conference on Wednesday (in his skivvies, of course), he announced that he is suing Sandy Kane, a 50-year-old former stripper who calls herself the Naked Cowgirl, for ripping off his Times Square act. It seems the king of the tighty whities already collects $5,000 annually in franchise payments from a woman named Louisa Holmlund, 27, who also performs as the Naked Cowgirl.

Now here’s the thing, and I don’t want to appear to be cruel here, but the woman who pays is, well, there is no other way to put this, she is a babe. And BTW, way more authentically naked. The new one, not so much. See for your self. Here is the ‘legally Naked Cowgirl’ in Naked Cowboy terms:

And here is the new one. Sorry grandma, if I were the cowboy I would not want you ‘diluting’ my brand, if you will. Oh and I would like to add; 50 MY ASS! She is pushing 60 if she is a day, maybe even 70 from this picture. Or maybe she just lived 50 really hard years, but seriously, cover that up. All of it, actually.

Yikes! This is just wrong. (I particularly like the woman on the left with the big smile).

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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A whole different species

This weekend finds us on the beach in East Hampton. It was a perfect 10 beach day and when I first said that this morning I was talking about the weather. Later in the day that comment took on new meaning.

Somewhere around 4 o’clock a band of beautiful people found their way in front of us and I had all sorts of fun taking pics of my friends with these incredible specimens in the background. To protect the old and perverted innocent I am only sharing a fairly anonymous shot. There are others that are so hysterical I will probably have to make them into screen savers for days when I need a good laugh.

And ladies, since I don’t want you to feel left out, here is one for you:

Ouch!

The comment of the day came from Sandy N:

“It’s like they are from a whole diffferent species.”

Indeed.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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The Dancer

In celebration of Bonnaroo,  and with sadness that we did not join Dr. Jimmy and Co. for this year’s treck, I bring you The Dancer (or the Fire Dancer as she is sometimes called).

This chick is surely a hardcore DMB fan. Jana spotted her in the alley outside her apartment in Madison as we were leaving the garbage room. You might remember my embarrassing episode there last summer. She silently pointed, we froze and I whipped out the camera to take this shot without her ever knowing. We can be very sneaky that way.

So, Dr. Jimmy, here’s to you and da boyz. Hope you have a great time this weekend and your feet don’t get too muddy.

Go ahead: 

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Britney Barbie – hold the undies

Cheap shot, I know. Who could resist what with her latest headlines about sexually harrassing her bodyguard by walking around her house naked in front of him. Yeh, I would imagine most guys would hate that. WTF?

Could it be true that her dad charged her staff to make sure she never left the house without underwear on? A 29-year-old woman whose dad is doing a regular skivvie check, what is that all about?

I am thinking she could offset the legal bills if she licensed herself for the limited edition britney barbie sans foundation garments.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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I just think monsters are so interesting

This is one of my favorite Bugs Bunny cartoons of all times.

And if you ever sleep over my house (no this is not an open invite) you might hear me quote the title of this post when I emerge from brushing my teeth first thing in the morning. I have extremely thick hair, and for some reason after a night’s sleep it has a tendency to take on the shape of the monster’s head.

Ok, not really sure why I shared that one, but hey, I know Jeanne is going to love this post because it was her favorite Bugs Bunny too (AND she has seen my hair like that but was too polite to mention it).

UPDATE: Could not resist kiddies. Since there are so many of you that seem to love this one (even quoting lines, Celia, very impressive). Enjoy Everyone!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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